Welcome to the first edition of Weekly Rassling Rundown (WRR)! Every week I’ll be looking back at the three main shows of WWE: Raw, SmackDown, and NXT. WRR will be posted in two parts, the first focusing on Raw (because it’s 3 hours long) and the second focusing on SmackDown and NXT (because together they’re almost 3 hours long).
We start the night off with a Bray Wyatt promo. Bray reminds us the Elimination Chamber was where he won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship last year, which then reminded me of when Randy Orton proceeded to beat him for the title at WrestleMania a month later.
Which then reminded me of that horrendous House of Horrors match between Bray and Orton. The fridge should’ve won!
Bray tells us his opponent, Roman Reigns, is a failure and longs to be put out of his misery. Roman counters by informing the audience what the real meaning of the word “failure” means, suggesting the definition found in the Oxford Dictionary has been incorrect this whole time.
Match 1: Roman Reigns def. Bray Wyatt via pinfall to qualify for the 4th spot in the Elimination Chamber. Good match between the two as always. The crowd boos Roman at the start (as they always do) but warms up and cheers him at the end (as they always do). Throughout the match Matt “Not-Broken” Hardy watches on while showing off his overly bleached teeth. Post-match Matt appears and hits Bray with a Twist of Faith.
Seriously, what’s so good about this Woken/Broken/Demon Barber of Fleet Street gimmick?
I’m not sure. So far, I’m not a fan of it. Maybe it’ll grow on me but right now, it’s just Matt Hardy either snarling, laughing stupidly, and mispronouncing words. I’ve never seen the gimmick in TNA but people have told me it was much better over there. Time will tell.
You forgot an important part of Raw – Michael Cole telling us the announce table has finally been put back after Braun Strowman flipped it.
Oh yes that’s right! The portable stage where the announce table sits upon that was flipped over by Braun Strowman has finally been fixed. Yes, it took the WWE crew an entire week to put back the stage THAT WAS FLIPPED AT THE START OF THE SHOW LAST WEEK! Seriously?! Is it THAT difficult to have like five people push it back over and set it back up on the same night it was flipped? Did they have to wait until they went to a new arena to put the announce table back together again?
Backstage Jason Jordan-Angle is having a chat with Seth “Freakin’” Rollins. Seth basically tells Jason to stop being a pussy and work as a team tonight against The Bar. This is the last chance Seth will get at the Raw Tag Team Titles, something which is repeated at least 50 times by the commentators.
Match 2: Finn Balor & Karl Anderson def. The Revival via pinfall. The match was supposed to be Balor vs Dash and/or Dawson, but the Revival challenged the Demon King to a tag team match. Ok match between the two teams. This should slowly help build up Balor Club as well as The Revival in the long run by giving them some more exposure.
Sasha Banks is in the locker-room watching her loss against Asuka from last week. Bayley comes in and the two have a chat about Asuka. Sasha’s plan is to win the Raw Women’s Title at Elimination Chamber, then go on to beat Asuka at WrestleMania.
A bit hard to do if Asuka decides to face the SmackDown Women’s Champion instead.
Bayley says she wants to do the same thing. Sasha says Bayley isn’t good enough, but Bayley responds by saying she’s good enough to beat Sasha.
Match 3: Cedric Alexander & Mustafa Ali def. Tony Nese & Drew Gulak via pinfall. Basic Cruiserweight match in a division which is finally getting back on track. Or should I say, being what it always should’ve been.
Raw GM Kurt Angle comes out to announce that at Elimination Chamber the participants in the first ever women’s…
The first ever women’s…
The first ever women’s… Elimination Chamber match! Yes, Angle forgot the name of the match. Here’s a clue Kurt – IT’S THE SAME NAME AS THE PAY-PER-VIEW! Each week it seems like Angle is getting worse at live promos. It was the same with Mick Foley towards the end of his run as Raw GM. Maybe it’s a sign…
I’ll give it to Kurt though, he is NAILING those pre-taped backstage segments.
Especially the one later in the show. Anyway, Angle finally goes on to tell us Alexa Bliss will defend her Raw Women’s Championship against Bayley, Mandy Rose, Sonya Deville, Mickie James, and Sasha Banks. At this point I ask: Why the HELL isn’t Nia Jax in the match?! This would be PERFECT for someone like her.
Never fear, Kurt Angle is here!
Angle informs us Nia will face Asuka in a singles match at Elimination Chamber and if Nia wins, she’ll go on to WrestleMania with Asuka to face the Women’s Champion?!
What?! How’s that even possible?!
Why would Angle do this?! What was the damn point of the Women’s Royal Rumble to begin with if you’re just going to hand out WrestleMania opportunities like that?!
The point of the Women’s Royal Rumble was for Rhonda Rousey to overshadow the entire women’s division by pointing at the WrestleMania sign – DUH!
Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss storms down to the ring. Alexa complains about having to defend her title in the Elimination Chamber, while Brock gets to sit at home and do nothing. Angle replies by telling Alexa she lasted defended the title at TLC in October 2017.
Holy crap, it’s been THAT long?!
Alexa puts the blame entirely on Angle for not booking her in any title defence matches because, you know, that’s his job. To be fair Alexa, Brock is a part-timer and only defends his title whenever he wants, like once every four months or so.
Somebody call WWE President Jack Tunney! We gotta couple of titles that haven’t been defended in 30 days over here!
Alexa starts pulling the “sexist” card on Angle and the crowd starts turning on her. Angle asks the crowd if they want to see Alexa in the Elimination Chamber and they both cheer and boo. Their response confuses Angle who repeats the question and again, this time the crowd appears uninterested. Angle’s theme music quickly hits to wrap up this segment going down quicker than the Titanic.
Alexa would’ve been 100% right had it not been for the fact that Brock is a part-time wrestler. If he never defended his title as a full-time wrestler, she would’ve had every right to complete. And speaking of part-time wrestlers…
John Cena is backstage talking about how he looks forward to burying more future talent at the Elimination Chamber so he can part-time headline WrestleMania with another part-time wrestler. Joy.
Match 4: Asuka def. Bayley via submission. Another ok match between the two. Oh, and remember how Bayley forgot about wrestling Asuka? Michael Cole reminds us of how Bayley lost twice to the Empress of Tomorrow. Thanks Cole!
The Bar tell us they’re going to enjoy beating the crap out of Jason Jordan and Seth Rollins.
Match 5: The Miz def. Apollo Crews to qualify for the 5th spot in the Elimination Chamber. The match between the two was good. I’d like to see these two go at it on a PPV with Miz’s Intercontinental Title on the line. I like The Miz (because he’s awesome) but I think he shouldn’t be in the Elimination Chamber.
Wait, wasn’t The Miz complaining a few months ago about how the IC Title is NEVER defended on PPVs?
I guess it’s different when you’re fighting for a shot for the WWE Universal Title.
We go backstage where Seth runs into Jason Jordan and his daddy, Kurt Angle. Apparently, Jason’s got some injuries (AGAIN?!) and can’t complete. Luckily, Roman Reigns was in the right place at the right time. The Shield walk off, and Jason just stares and smiles really, REALLY creepily.
He must get that from his papi.
Match 6: The Bar def. The Shield via DQ to retain the Raw Tag Team Titles. Match of the night. Great work from all four guys. The finish comes when Jason Jordan, who was meant to be injured, comes out and tries to stop Cesaro and Sheamus. Cesaro throws a punch, so Jason blocks it and punches both men.
The referee calls for the bell. The Bar retain by DQ. Seth can never have another Raw Tag Team Title shot again. He’s banned. Him, his children and his children’s children… For three months.
Braun Strowman is backstage. He says Cena and Elias are gonna get his hands tonight. Enough said.
Angry CrossFit Jesus, I mean Seth Rollins, is mad at Jason Jordan. So mad that he calls him a “son of a bitch” on a PG13 rated show. Angle agrees with Seth and yells at his son to go home because he’s been a very bad boy. Angle was so good at being an angry dad, for a second I thought I was the one being told off.
Match 7: Nia Jax destroys Female Jobber. After the match, Nia tells Asuka she’s the only woman who the Empress of Tomorrow can’t beat?
Didn’t Nia Jax face Asuka in NXT?
Yeah, she has… at least twice! The first time Asuka nearly kicked Nia’s head off! Are Asuka’s kicks that powerful she’s causing serious brain damage?
Maybe they should refer to her as the Empress of Amnesia.
Match 8: Mickie James def. Sonya Deville via pinfall. Ok match with Sonya showcasing some good offence. It would’ve been nice to see her pick up the win, but the real story came after the match. Sonya and her Absolution friends, Mandy Rose and Paige, beat down Mickie James. Out comes Alexa Bliss to save Mickie. The commentators tell everyone repeatedly they’re very confused.
Why did Alexa save Mickie? It makes no sense. They’re facing each other at Elimination Chamber soon.
I know, right? Why would Alexa want to save Mickie? I mean, it’s not like Alexa’s the type of person to use other people to her advantage, right? WRONG! Alexa’s done this before with Nia! Now she’s doing it to Mickie, who she’s used before as well last year when they were on SmackDown! Mickie won’t remember this because what happens on SmackDown, stays on SmackDown.
Match 9: Elias def. John Cena & Braun Strowman to enter last in the Elimination Chamber. Good match from the three men. Braun beats down Elias and Cena. Elias and Cena team up and beat the crap out of Braun, including Elias smashing his guitar across Braun’s back, and Cena hitting an AA on the steel steps to the Monster Among Men.
After which we had the pleasure of listening to Michael Cole act like Cena has never hit an AA on anyone the size of Braun Strowman before.
Elias and Cena battled one another in the ring for a bit, then Braun comes in and Elias bails. Braun hits a big powerslam on Cena, Elias shoves Braun out of the ring and then Elias PINS CENA! I honestly thought Cena was going to some how get another pointless win so he can enter last at Elimination Chamber so we can forget how sluggish he’s been lately.
After the match, Braun repeatedly powerslams John Cena and Elias to end 3 hours of Raw.
For SmackDown & NXT, please head over to Part 2 of this week’s WRR!